The Chronicles of Mark Cohen
by KissTheBoy7
Summary: We don't know a lot about Mark's life up until RENT. Through his journal, kept from the beginning of his freshman year of high school onward, get to know Mark Cohen as you never have before. SLASH. Future MR. Based on my roleplay with ImDefyinGravity. Incomplete, ABANDONED.
1. September 1 and 9, 1982

September 1, 1982

God, I can't believe Cindy got this for me... I'm a fifteen year old boy! I don't need a DIARY! She's such a bitch sometimes...

Well... Okay, I guess I sort of wanted one. If I'm honest. What can I say, I like to write. And film. *frowns* I wish my parents would buy me that camera I asked for for my birthday but I don't think they're going to. Dad wants me to be a lawyer or a doctor or something. He's going to be reeeeally pissed the minute he sees my report card. But that can't be helped.

I can't believe I'm already a freshman... Scarsdale's so small, I didn't meet anyone new this year. I did get lost in the hallways though, and I was late for biology... It's a shitty class anyways. I think I'm going to use that period to write in from now on because I can already tell that it's going to be an easy A.

More interesting news... There's this kid in my English class, Jack. He's GORGEOUS. Fuck, I hope I'm not a faggot. My dad will kill me. Or exorcise me.

Cindy's trying to read this. Ugh.

~ Mark

September 9, 1982

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-

Okay. That's enough I think. I hate not being able to swear all day around my parents. Cindy's been okay with it, but we don't really talk all that much in private. Mom would probably cry. She's been doing a lot of that the past few years.

I don't see why. Dad was a jackass. I still have a couple of nasty scars from him, one on my hip from that time he threw his keys at me. Good riddance.

Maureen is being weird lately. She keeps noticing when I stare at Jack- she's in my English class too- and giggling. But she won't talk to me about it! Ugh. Women. I'll never understand anything that doesn't have a penis.

Freshman year sucks by the way. Everyone hates freshman. And I can see why. Most of the kids around here are so annoying. I'm hardly even noticed, thank God. I don't need my glasses broken again! They still have that geeky tape over the middle holding them together after last time.

Mm... I need to finish my history homework. Bye for now.

~ Mark

**A/N: So, I'm going to go ahead and just put my disclaimer and shit here in the first chapter kay? ^_^ Let it be known that this has no real plot, or at least not a premeditated one. My good friend and Roger (from roleplay) Olivia, or here, ****ImDefyinGravity, owns half of the nonexistent plot and Roger's journals, which she'll hopefully post here eventually!**

_Disclaimer: RENT me no own. I don't even own this, I only own half of it…_


	2. September 25, 1982

September 25

What happened to middle school? No homework on Fridays and... well.. no working? I miss it. Actually doing work in school makes me want to shoot myself.

Well, besides that... Cindy is taunting me because she's a senior and only has this last year left, while I have four. Bitch. She keeps giving me the same weird looks Mo is giving me in English- she brought her boyfriend over the other day, some cute- um. His name was Josh anyways. He's sort of a geek, and the whole time I was trying to talk to him Cindy was giving me this LOOK. And giggling. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! What is it with girls?

Mom won't buy me Advil anymore. She says I don't need it, all the bruises are gone. But I still HURT. Fuck. Where am I going to get it now? I don't have money. I don't get an allowance and I can't find anyone who'll hire a fourteen year old. (Yeah, I know I said I was fifteen... My birthday is in November. Close enough.) FUCK. I need aspirin... My head hurts.

Jack smiled at me. Well, okay, he smiled in my general direction. Which is an improvement! I sit two seats in front of him, so it's hard not to get caught staring. But I manage. I'm a determined person.

... I need to stop this. Seriously. This is the shit my dad kicked my ass for before we got rid of him. And that any of the footballers would, too, if they knew I was thinking it...

There is seriously nothing to do around here, and I hate to admit it but I'm lonely. Mo is my only friend, and sometimes (on a good day) I don't mind my sister... Maybe I just need a girlfriend? I mean I am a teenaged boy and I'm starting to think I'm just constantly horny because it doesn't matter how many times I get off I still feel overly-hormonal. And a girlfriend... Yeah. That'd kill like, three birds with one stone!

Alright, I'm off to hunt down a girl who's willing to help me reaffirm my heterosexuality. Adios.

(Isn't Spanish hot? I opted to take tech this year instead of a language but DAMN it turns me on.)

~ Mark


	3. September 30 and October 13, 1982

September 30, 1982

Missed the bus this morning. I guess I shouldn't have stayed up so late... But it was worth it. Did I tell you? I'm going to be the next great American novelist. I decided when my parents told me they wouldn't send me to an arts school for filming. I may not have a camera, but I have a pen.

I told Mo about it and she scoffed at me. Well, just wait. She'll see when I get my book made into a movie in five years... Maybe I should switch to writing screenplays.

I'm writing this during what's supposed to be my health class. Actually, I'm hiding out on the grass behind the school with some random stoner. He looks older than me, and he's really quiet, just smoking a joint and leaning against the building. Sometimes he looks over here- I can't really tell, but his eyes might be brown...

Why am I sitting here rambling about a kid I don't know? Argh. Yeah, I need to get a girlfriend. I wonder if any of Mo's friends would be willing to keep me busy for awhile?

~ Mark

October 13, 1982

Hey, guess what? It's Friday the thirteenth. I've been stepping on cracks all day just to tempt fate and I even chased down the black cat that's always roaming around my neighborhood to pet it. So far, nothing terrible has happened to me.

I know its gonna sound stalkerish, but I figured out that that kid who was outside a couple days ago when I ditched had green eyes, not brown. I've seen him a couple more times, just in the halls or getting off the bus. Actually, earlier today he bumped into my shoulder and GROWLED at me. Not even kidding. Grumbling something about his "damn meds".

Asked Mo about this mystery guy, and she said to stay away from him. Apparently he's messed up or something. I don't really think so- I've been on the wrong end of a rumor before, I know how it works. I have a feeling he's just having a rough time. People should cut him some slack.

Who am I kidding, trying to act like Mr. Sympathetic? I hate people. I hate talking to them, interacting with them. Antisocial, I believe its called.

Still, he's… sort of… UGH. Slap me please. I really have to get a handle on my hormones. My fantasies don't even pay attention to gender anymore. Caught myself imagining being fucked up the ass the other day when I came and was traumatized.

Oh well. I have more important things to worry about. Like my novel, getting a job, getting through this year without failing.

~ Mark


	4. October 30, 1982

October 30, 1982

Oh, God. I fucked up. Big time. And the hangover is NOT helping me calm down.

It started with finding out that Jack was hosting some kind of Halloween party. Costumes and party games, the works. Normally I wouldn't even want to go but... He's hot. Not to mention, Maureen said that kid who's always bumping into me with the green eyes was going. And I hate to admit it, but I'm- REALLY horny over him. Don't ask me why, I just- urgh. I want in that kid's pants. I don't even care that it makes me a fag if I jerk off to him in the shower every God damned morning.

Anyways, Cindy's got some influence, as a senior, and she ended up dragging me. The entire thing was pretty stupid and I hid out in the corner the whole time, the only one without a costume. Nobody really likes me, and I don't like them. Then, Maureen comes out of NOWHERE and shoves a drink in my hand.

I should have known the fucking punch would be spiked. Apparently I'm stupid, though, because I drank it anyways.

Let it be known: I have absolutely no tolerance. The alcohol went straight through me, and I actually participated in some spin the bottle/ truth or dare game. Saw that green-eyed kid with a bunch of flow-in-the-dark star stickers stuck all over him. I was torn between staring at him or Jack. As it turns out, though, no one likes him either because when he- and I mean green-eyed boy- spun and landed on me someone screamed "closet". (I'm not entirely convinced that it wasn't Maureen, although she denies it)

So, I'm drunk as all hell and shoved in a closet with the guy I've been fucked by so many times in my head that it's ridiculous. And I'm terrified that I'm going to do something stupid. I think it must have showed, because he looked like he sort of felt bad for me- at least, until the door shut behind us and I sort of... lost control.

I remember the whole thing in alarming detail, so I might as well write it down. The poor guy. I attacked him. I had him pinned to the fucking wall and kissed him and I was biting his lips and shoving my tongue down his throat- of, fucking GOD. I can't even... And the whole time my hands were all over him, on his chest and shoulders and sides and arms and then... lower... and fuck, it was so much better in real life, hearing him moan when I touched him...This is NOT FAIR! My head feels like its splitting open AND I'm hard now! Alcohol makes me a whore...

He was fucking whimpering, and eventually he seemed to discover the use of his hands because he grabbed me and pulled me against him- by then I was being pretty loud, too drunk to care that I sounded desperate- and grinded against me. Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck... I need to stop...

Somehow I got the GENIUS *note my sarcasm* Idea to drop to my knees and pull down his pants. I've never given a blowjob before last night. I hope to hell I never do again. I mean... I sort of liked it- but no! I'm not a faggot!

The semen in my stomach probably still being digested begs to differ...

Oh my fucking God. I'm never going to be able to face that kid ever again! I don't even know his name... I think it starts with an S or an R, something at that end of the alphabet anyways...

I am NEVER drinking again.

~Mark


	5. November 3 and 7, 1982

November 3, 1982

Dear journal...

Nevermind. That's stupid. I'm not going to be using that again. Good news, though, my hangover is completely gone! Now I'm just horrified and embarrassed.

Haven't seen star-sticker boy since the party. I'm sure if I did I would literally burst into flames from the force of my blush. Now I'm just wondering if anyone else, besides the two of us, knows what went on in that closet...

No. No, I don't think he would have told anyone. I may have been the one molesting him, but he's older and he wasn't exactly protesting.

~ Mark

November 7, 1982

My first report card came and I'm filing out of health. What-the-fuck-ever. It's not like I need to know all of that bull about condoms and AIDS... I can't even get a girlfriend, let alone a whore.

Birthday's coming up! I'm not always excited for it, but Mo has been hinting that she actually got me something this year. Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be... interesting.

Still haven't seen the star-sticker boy. I even dared to go outside and sit in the field for lunch today, where I usually see him. Instead some sketchy kid with a bookbag full of illegal shit was there. He told me his name was Stephen and then tried to sell me a shitload of pot.

I might have accepted, but I don't have any money. He gave me a sample anyways and a demonstration. I'm still feeling a little giggly...

~ Mark


	6. November 20, 1982

EXCITED!

November 20th, 1982

Maureen got me a CAMERA!

I'm so fucking excited! Holy fuck! I mean, it takes pictures not video, but... Sweet! It's still amazing!I love that girl to death! I actually kissed her on the mouth and threw my arms around her when I unwrapped it- she just laughed and teased me a little.

I know it's already past ten but I have the most extreme urge to go out and start taking pictures. I already used half a canister of film just snapping shots of my house, my yard, the park and Mo. She insisted I let her take a couple with me, and one of us together.

I applied at the grocery store down the street to be a cashier. I'm sick of being broke. Anyways, I need money to buy film now for my camera.

Fuck, I almost forgot! I got this weird package in the mail. It came form somebody named Davis... I have no idea who that is. Probably my secret stalker. I'd open it now, but I have to sneak out. Between Cindy and my mom, I got a hundred bucks for my birthday, and I know where I can blow a good chunk of it.

Stephen'll be so proud.

~ Mark


	7. November 21 and December 1, 1982

November 21, 1982

I opened that package when I woke up... It was just a plain birthday card and a bottle of nail polish... What the hell? I mean, I know a lot of kids have been calling me gay since I was twelve, but... Really?

And the only thing written in the stupid thing was "sorry for molesting you, freshie". WHO THE FUCK SENT THIS? I don't remember getting molested recently... Or ever.

So, whoever sent this to me was an asshole, but I'm in too good of a mood to care. Stephen got me so fucking high last night... My only worry is that my mom will figure our that I smell like serious pot. I think Cindy might have guessed, but she's always been cool about this kind of shit. I don't think she'd tell on me.

~ Mark

December 1, 1982

... I'm really confused, and I don't know what to do...

I think I have a crush on that sticker boy who's name I don't know. Shit. Fucking shit.

Every time I see him he runs away, stammering and blushing. I'm such a fucking faggot I scared him off! He's probably disgusted with me... Just... Fuck.

I've spent the past two weeks or so high out of my god damn mind and it's great. My grades are slipping a little... I don't care. Maureen has been around all the time, and a lot more clingy than usual. I don't mind, exactly, but when green-eyed boy saw one time he GLARED at me. So, he hates me. The only logical explanation.

Apparently one of my teachers figured out that I've been skipping classes and I got sent to the councilor's office. The old bitch councilor wasn't there though. It was some huge black guy, didn't even look ten years older than me. He was friendly, though, and I kind of sort of ended up telling him... everything.

He took it really well. It surprised me. Scarsdale is one of the most homophobic places EVER, but this guy thought giving a drunken blowjob to some guy I hardly know was perfectly normal behavior. We talked for a good two hours about sticker-boy before my teachers got annoyed and requested me back at class. Still, I have another meeting with him scheduled.

I'm... fuck, I'm depressed. I'm gonna go smoke a joint.

~ Mark


	8. December 6, 1982

December 6, 1982

Okay. I need an explanation. Seriously. This just... it baffles my MIND! I don't know what to think anymore!

I'm pretty sure the person who sent me that nail polish was green-eyed boy because... Well, it's as long story, so give me a minute...

I was on my way to first period and I was just passing the boys bathroom... I was in a rush, so I accidentally went tripping over something random and BAM! Flat on my face on the floor. And while I'm getting up and inspecting the damage I realized that the thing I tripped over was sticker boy.

We had the most awkward staring contest. He has beautiful eyes, for real. But I just kind of froze, and couldn't move. And we stayed that way for a few seconds.I'm still on my knees, halfway into a standing position, and his eyes are so wide they're practically popping out of his skull. If I wasn't late I would have already been trampled but no one else is in the hallway.

All of a sudden he yanks me up and before I know it I'm pressed against the wall and he's kissing me AND I FELT HIS TONGUE and oh, fuck... I couldn't help it! Was I not supposed to kiss back in that situation?

Then he breaks away, looking all terrified and stammers and apology before running- sprinting- down the hallway.

... Does this mean he...

Do I want him to?

... Fuck.

I need to schedule another meeting with Collins. (he's that chill councilor I was talking about)

~ Mark


	9. December 14, 1982

December 14, 1982

I'm really frustrated. Sticker-boy is avoiding me.

I've been trying all week to find him and talk to him- yes, an actual conversation! This would be new territory for us. But he LITERALLY keeps running away. I don't know what it is the past few weeks but he's not clumsy anymore and he doesn't bump into me. In fact, he's pretty damn agile.

All I want is some closure. Either he wants me, and we can have... a thing... or he's disgusted with me.

I don't know why he would have kissed me, IN SCHOOL, if he didn't have some kind of interest in me. But I need to know.

I think I might actually want a thing with him. Now I just have to catch him.

He left a ratty old notebook on the ground. I haven't opened it up, but I kept it and its in my bookbag. I wonder if its his journal or something.

Last night I was lighting up with Stephen and I had one of those stupid ideas you get when you're high, so I had him help me paint my nails with that black nail polish sticker-boy sent me. Maybe he'll notice I'm wearing it today and talk to me...

God, I sound like a girl.

In other news, I told Collins about my dad the other day. Up until then we'd talked at length about sticker-boy, some about Jack, and even Stephen and my new "habit". I've never told anyone about my dad before. Only Cindy and my mom knew about it. I was hesitant but, as usual, he got it out of me in the end.

Oddly, I feel a lot calmer now. It's out there. Someone knows. I don't have to be alone with this in my head anymore. Collins is fucking amazing. I just wish he was as helpful as this when it came to sticker-boy...

~ Mark


	10. December 15 and 16, 1982

December 15, 1982

OH GOD. He's in my class! My fucking English class!

I suddenly have the strong urge to spend every fucking second of my school day in English...

I've been picking at my nail polish. No one has noticed it- I don't think sticker-boy has either, unfortunately. Still, I try tugging my sleeves down over my hands as much as I can when people other than him are around. Just because I'm starting to think I'm a fag doesn't mean I want to explain it to Maureen, or Cindy or someone.

Today I was assigned to work with him on a project. Some research paper shit... I don't even care. He looked like he wanted to go hang himself when she read our names together. GREAT. That's encouraging. He won't even talk to me. He stuck his nose in a book and actually WORKED.

Apparently he flunked out of his English class... Maybe he just wants to get a good grade. But something tells me that it's just the fact that it's me... I introduced myself and everything, awkward and blushing and biting my lip as usual. He looked all weirded out so I eventually stopped trying.

Later I told Collins about it, and he said I just had to be patient because the guy has a lot on his plate. I have a feeling sticker-boy goes to the councilor too, and frequently, because Collins asks me how things are going with him more than seems appropriate otherwise.

Tomorrow I have to meet him in the library after school to work on our project, and I WILL make him talk to me.

~ Mark

December 16, 1982

Holy shit I don't think I've ever written in this thing three days in a row... Cindy noticed and she's been skipping around practically singing in happiness that I liked her present. Rolling my eyes.

Anyways. The sticker-boy (who still won't tell me his name- and I missed it when the teacher called it, too. ugh.) totally didn't even acknowledge my existence at the library today. He didn't even look up when I was talking to him and after an hour I just ran out of things to say. Seriously. I was spouting off about how shitty the weather was and about Maureen and Cindy and even Stephen and I invited him to light up with us sometime.

I thought at least THAT would get his attention, since he looks sort of like a stoner- and believe me I know the type- but all he did was glance up at me, then at my nails, and muttered something that sounded like "sorry" before blushing and ignoring me again. When we finally left, I gave him my best puppy eyes and he STILL wouldn't talk to me!

I can't believe this. I just want him to talk to me. Tell me his name. Anything. UGH. We're meeting at the library again tomorrow, though, so maybe... I'll see if I can get him to light up with me at the very least. That ought to loosen him up and maybe he won't hate me anymore.

~ Mark


	11. December 19, 1982

December 19, 1982

Mom has been locked in her room for two days and Cindy and I are starting to worry. She comes out to get glasses of water and sometimes a piece of bread or something small, and to go to the bathroom, but that's it. She looks terrible. I'm starting to get concerned about her mental health.

School's out until the second, thank God for winter vacation. Unfortunately that means I probably won't see much of Maureen for awhile, or sticker-boy, or Collins who I'm starting to grow fond of. He's helpful, even if it's not the traditional "counselor" way. He hardly acts like he's a counselor. Once, he helped me calculate whether or not I was getting a good deal on prices for pot. He's chill and I'll miss him.

Sticker-boy agreed to hang out with me and smoke! It was SO awkward at first, because Stephen didn't show and it ended up just being me and him in the recreation center in the corner. We broke in, obviously, so no one was around, and it was sort of dim. But whatever. We passed the shit back and forth for awhile while I just rambled at him. It's easier to ramble when there's pot involved.

Eventually he actually started talking back and even laughing and smiling a little. So, yeah, I got kind of excited and... remember how I'm a slutty drunk? I'm sort of the same when I'm high...

I mean, all I did was say, "Hey, you wanna mess around?" but... thinking back that sounds REALLY whore-ish. Well. At least he didn't say no. He just kind of stared at me, and I was high enough not to feel very insecure so I just smiled sort of cockily and leaned towards him on my hands and knees and he jumped me!

It was fucking amazing. We were making out and groping and I swear, I came at least twice, once dry humping- which I'm sort of ashamed of- and once with his hand down my pants. GOD. That's... the first time I've ever had someone touch me there. Nngh. He's an amazing fucking kisser. Now that I think about it, he's gotta be way more experienced than me at all this. I loved being underneath him...

Everything is a little hazy, but I remember when he had to go home he sort of blushed and said "bye, Mark" before scramming. Maybe there's hope after all.

Maybe... Maybe I should get him a Christmas present?

I'm still wondering how he got my address. If I find out, I could maybe get his.

Or I could just ask him.

~ Mark


	12. December 23 and 25, 1982

December 23, 1982

Collins is THE MAN. God. He is amazing. He got me sticker-boy's address! By the way, his name is Roger. Roger Davis. FINALLY I know his name. Well, anyways, I have his address and I'm getting him a present.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I figure, there's no better time for me to show up with intentions of being his friend and or fuck buddy, right?

I got him a guitar pick, because when I finally got bored and flipped through that notebook I keep forgetting to give back to him, it turned out to be full of half finished song lyrics and musical notes that I'm pretty sure mean he plays. Or at least sings. Whatever. Its a stupid present, I know, but it has an R on it and it looks cool to me. Ahh I'm a dork, what do I know?

Nervous. I wonder if he'll even want to see me. But... I'm still wearing his nail polish... And Cindy and Collins both seem to think I should go for it. I haven't told Maureen yet that I might be gay, let alone that I have this... thing... with Roger. Who I still keep thinking of as "sticker-boy".

Well, wish me luck. A notebook and a guitar pick... how lame am I?

~ Mark

December 25, 1982

He didn't call me... But he sent me a poem! It's a little bit cheesy but... Well, it's sweet. And I got the message.

_"Youre looking for a place where expectations dont apply _

_there isnt ant worry and you never need to cry_

_dreams are in reach, hope never dies_

_words dont hurt and you arnt afraid to fly_

_Stop your search and turn around_

_I know youre lost. Cause so am I"_

I guess now I won't have to worry about being some kind of faggot. If we're just friends, I mean. But now I can't wait for the second... I have nothing to do this vacation. Mom cheered up a bit for the holidays, and Cindy and I have been getting along. Although she asked me about my boyfriend... I have no idea how she found out about the whole thing. Either I have to hide this thing better, or Collins and I need to have a CONVERSATION.

Anyways, there's only like a week left until i see Roger again. Maybe I'll actually have someone to skip with now.

Is it weird that I'm so excited?

~ Mark


	13. January 2, 1983

January 2, 1983

I need to get a handle on my fucking hormones! I mean I know I- I might have this weird sort of crush thing on Roger... Collins says I'm "infatuated and lusting over him" but, he just likes to use long words for effect, or at least that's my theory.

But seriously! Every fucking time I see him, I look at his eyes or I, well, glance down... or I notice his hands... Fuck, it was only a hand job, I shouldn't be so excited. Its nothing I haven't been doing for myself for the past five years! I keep closing my eyes and remembering how it felt to have him over me and then I'm hard in the middle of class and I have to awkwardly shift around and try to keep from blushing, hoping no one notices the giant BEACON in the front of my pants alerting them all that I'm horny as all hell.

That happened in English today, which as the first day back and my second period class was the first time I've seen Roger since our pot party. It was awkward but then... He asked if I got his poem and I blurted out that I really liked it, then blushed and looked down and he LAUGHED all of a sudden. And the tension sort of evaporated after that.

We don't sit anywhere near each other in that class so when the bell rang we had to stop making small talk since we really don't know much about each other yet and go to our seats. I proceeded to zone out through most of class but then I found myself imagining his hands on me and- BAM- erection. Ugh. So awkward. And when I opened my eyes he was STARING at me! STARING! Which didn't make it go away...

Then he gave me this look like I was weird when I started fidgeting and blushing. I don't think he noticed that I was trned on though, because after class he told me we should hang out sometime.

I finally broke down and told Maureen I made a new friend. She was overly enthusiastic but then, I expected that. She wants to meet him and I'll admit, I'm a little apprehensive...

Roger and I don't have any other classes together and the freshman and junior hallways are way on opposite ends of the school so I probably won't see him tomorrow. I hope he calls. I don't really have much of a life.

~ Mark


	14. January 7, 1983

January 7, 1983

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck... I thought I was starting to get over this!

Roger is a quiet guy, not that he's boring, but he doesn't talk much. He never has to me, anyways. It's always me rambling on and on about stupid shit. (Sometimes I say something random to make sure he's listening- today I told him my penis length and his eyes bugged out in the most amusing way.)

We've been sitting together at lunch. Thank God, I was sick of sitting alone. Maureen and her wacky drama friends always sit together and I look like the emo kid sitting in the corner. But not anymore. Roger has been good company in my emo corner lately. I'm so glad we have the same lunch.

Anyways, I've been doing my best to get over Roger lately. By concentrating on Jack. But its not working... At least I stopped having to get off ALL the time. That's an improvement. Except today, he kind of ruined it.

Apparently he DOES play the guitar. Did you know how fucking EROTIC it is when he practices chord positions with his fingers? For the first couple of days it was subtle, but then today he tugged my arm towards him and started showing me the chords to some song he's apparently writing ON MY SKIN. Motherfucker! I've been hard SINCE!

When I got home Cindy was in my room looking at my pictures and I didn't want to tell her to get out so I could jerk off. And the other bedrooms were out of the question... I ended up taking a shower just to jack off, add then I got off again before bed. it doesn't HELP! I can still feel his hands on my skin! And see his eyes peering at me all intently and his smile and- and- NNGH.

I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to see him tomorrow without cumming in my pants...

I NEED A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. FAST.

~ Mark


	15. January 21, 1983

January 21, 1983

Roger asked me on a study date... Well, that's not how he worded it, but I can see where he crossed off "date" so, I know what he was thinking.

To be honest it made me kind of nervous at first because, well, I don't know if I really want to date a guy in Scarsdale of ALL places. It's just asking to be shoved into a locker and I have a feeling that by next year that'll be happening to me anyways. I'm the perfect target. Small, pale, alone, weak, with glasses... "Four-eyes" has been my nickname since I got the damn things, and that was SECOND GRADE. Gay doesn't need to be added to that list.

But as it turned out, it wasn't much of a date. I helped him with his English homework- which basically means I let him cheat off of me- and he actually talked for once. I think it was because we were alone, in a private setting, his room. His dad's never home and his mom's in a mental ward so he gets to be home alone most of the time... Anyways. When we finished our stupid homework I asked him to show e his guitar and I SWEAR his eyes got ten times bigger and he smiled- shit, it's breathtaking to think about, I've never even seen the kid look me full in the face before except when he- um- when his hand-... Anyways!

The guitar is named Musetta. It's an old acoustic, and it sounds amazing! Or maybe that's just Roger. He's really fucking good, and I'm not just saying that because he makes me hard. For real. He played me a piece of sheet music, something called "Musetta's Waltz", and I was enthralled. He asked me if I liked it and I just sort of squeaked at first- it took me a few minutes before I could tell him how amazing it was. He should be in a band or something!

I asked him to sing for me but he got really red and shook his head, mumbling about how he can't sing and his songs are crappy. Oh well. I'll convince him eventually...

For now, I need to go take a cold shower before I go to school, or I'm going to throw myself at him the minute I see him. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing...

~ Mark


	16. February 4, 1983

February 4, 1983

Valentine's Day is only ten days away and I don't know what to get Roger!

... Erase that whole first sentence. I used pen so I can't...

So besides the fact that I'm obviously flaming because I'm fretting over getting a gift for my not-boyfriend on the sappiest holiday of the year, Maureen and Roger have officially met. I don't know why he was glaring at her... I mean, in between staring at her tits and her hips. I have to admit, Mo has some serious curveage. Lately all she's done is flaunt it too, and I can't really be sure but I think she asked me out on a date.

Insert disturbed face here. Mo and I can't DATE, that'd be weird! Even if she's got a... a nicely shaped body...

BACK TO OTHER THINGS.

Collins keeps bringing up Roger in our sessions. It bothers me just slightly. I know he mentioned talking to him too on a pretty regular basis, but I have this feeling they're probably talking about me. Or maybe I'm just being self-centered.

Okay that's it! I'm buying a tube of goddamned lube! Do you know how annoying it gets to smell like fucking vanilla or flowers after every time you jerk off? No more lotion! Lube is manlier! Now, to just hide it somewhere Roger won't find it when he comes over tomorrow... Blushing now. Ughhh. I can't believe I invited him over.

Cindy keeps teasing me about my "boyfriend" and I feel like I need to clear it up that we are not, in fact, dating. Not that she'll probably pay any attention to that. She's right when she says more than half the pictures I take anymore are of Roger anyways. And let me tell you, they come in handy when I'm jacking off. I think my favorite is probably of him with that sucker Maureen gave him as a sort of "welcome to the group" thing when they met. It was vanilla flavored which I personally thought was weird but he was all over that shit and I had to have cum three times thinking about it in bed that night.

Speaking of cum, I don't know how the FUCK you get a cum stain off of a mirror without glass cleaner, but I'm going to have to figure it out... Before Roger comes over tomorrow... And, you know, I need to stash all of those nearly pornographic pictures I have of him sucking on things or fondling things with his hands or- well- you get the fucking picture!

Put a fresh coat of that nail polish on today, with Cindy's help. It's more because I like having something to pick at and use my hands during class when i can't have my camera than... well... Okay. So it MIGHT be because Roger gave it to me. I wonder if he'll notice and- and figure it out- Nahhh he's not that observant. I blush every time he touches me and he still thinks I have a crush on Jack the footballer.

OBLIVIOUS.

Shiiiit, mom actually wants me to talk to her- I hope it's not one of those "honey I know you might be confused right now, but I love you anyway" speeches. I'M NOT A FAGGOT.

Ughhh I have to figure out where to hide this too... Probably just shove it under my pillow, its not like he'll find it.

~ Mark


	17. February 13, 1983

February 13, 1983

I, ah... do you know what the most awkward thing that you could possibly do is? Because I found out the other day that it's jacking off to your friend when he's in your bathroom probably jacking off to some slut from school.

I don't even want to talk about it... Anyways. Roger seemed as embarrassed as me and he tried to leave after but I begged him to stay. Puppy eyes always work! But he refused to look at me for the rest of the time he was over, and he hardly spoke. I don't know what it was that set him off, but I- oh, fuck. My drawer was half open after he left and FUCK! Fuck, fuck! He saw- EVERYTHING! I'm never going to live this down...

Naturally, I told Collins everything- which may have been a mistake because he probably still hasn't stopped laughing... But in any case, I've already embarrassed myself beyond belief because when I saw Roger at school the next day the first thing I blurted out was "THE VIBRATOR ISN'T MINE I SWEAR!" And I don't think Roger has stopped laughing at me either.

So basically, everyone is laughing at me. Isn't that just peachy?

I yelled at Cindy for leaving her vibrator in my room. She thinks its funny. Bitch. Loveable bitch, but still... Sigh. She's at least stopped laughing and she offered to explain to Roger, but I'm not about to let her anywhere near him. Cindy thinks Roger is my boyfriend still. I've tried and tried. She's stubborn.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and against my better judgement I let Cindy drag me into the kitchen to make cupcakes with her. She says I can bring one to school for my boyfriend. I hope Roger likes vanilla. He's always telling me I smell good, anyways, and that's the kind of lotion I use...

~ Mark

P.S. I just realized the lube I bought was flavored... Oops. OH GOD. Roger saw it too! Fuck! He probably thinks I'm either a slut or some creepy person who spends all their free time masturbating... Just kill me now!


	18. February 14, 1983

February 14, 1983

HAPPY HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I'm joking. No really. But I did have a pretty fantastic day. Roger walked into school right after me and I handed him his cupcake and tried to smile and tell him happy Valentines without seeming, you know, like I LIKED him or something (thats still a gray area for me) and for a minute he just stared at it and then at me and I thought I did something wrong, or he was creeped out...

Then all of a sudden he tackled me and layed a fat one on me in front of EVERYONE. People are still giggling every time they see me... But I don't even know if he realizes he did it. He just spent like twenty minutes trying to break my back with his hug and muttering about how I'm his best friend and he loves me or some shit. I wasn't really expecting that...

Also, I'm gonna have to figure out how to get people to stop screaming "FAGGOT!" every time they see me in the halls... Worth it? Yes. Annoying? Also yes.

But anyways, when he FINALLY let me go he told me he was going to save his cupcake until after school and asked me to sleep over at his house tonight! I'm sooo glad it's a Friday. I'm actually finishing getting packed now before I have dinner and then my mom is letting me ride my bike over there. I'm really glad that Cindy made me give him one of those cupcakes now. I've never seen him so happy! I don't know WHY a pastry with an amateur frosting job would make him that happy but he was practically glowing.

School has been uneventful. Same pain in the ass as usual. Meh. At least I'm not failing anything. Except I'm getting a terrible English grade, but I'm blaming that on Roger. He's... distracting... Although lately, its weird, he keeps bitching about Jack. I don't know what his problem is...

I wonder what it'll be like staying over Roger's house. I know we'll probably be alone the whole time since his dad's never around. I'm bringing my camera in case we do anything exciting. Oh, and just in case I'm gonna go out on a limb and bring my lotion. I don't care if its girly, I'm not gonna smell gross tomorrow just to save my already questionable masculinity. Let him watch me put it on and make fun of me.

Ahh, I gotta go. Mom's yelling at me to get to the table and Cindy's cooing while she reads this over my shoulder about how I'm gonna go "cuddle all night with my loverboy".

Vaguely tempted to start calling him that now JUST to see what he does... Well. Maybe. We'll see.

~ Mark


	19. February 15, 1983

February 15, 1983

I'm still at Roger's. He's in the shower right now, and I've already walked in on him naked once by accident- YES it was by accident! I'm not a pervert, if I wanted to see him naked I could have done that last night.

So, that PROBABLY needs an explanation. Apparently Roger had no idea I was coming over last night, even though he invited me. He flipped the fuck out when I showed up. At first it was sort of awkward but after we finished pigging out on the rest of the cupcakes Cindy made, I asked to see him play, and he got that big smile again. And I got him to sing something, too! Something he wrote! It took me ten minutes and a reminder that I made him cupcakes before he gave in but he did, and it was... it was sweet. I have a feeling it was about one of us at least.

When he ran out of things to play we just talked... Note to self: his favorite color is the sunset and he's a TOTAL Star Wars nerd. Not even kidding. I had no idea what he was saying half the time- we actually watched like, five episodes of it and I was lost the entire time. I've never been big into Star Wars. I mean, I'm a geek, but not that kind. Mostly with techy shit. But anyways, while we were watching the movie I kept scooting closer to him. I'm only going to say this once... I'm a cuddly person. Okay. Make fun of me. But I like to be touched. And NOT LIKE THAT PERVERT. (okay, that too)

Anyways, I ended up in his lap and I was kissing him and God, I don't think I'll ever get over him...

We were wrestling around on the floor when his dad came back. I swear to GOD I've never blushed so hard. Except maybe when I think about the vibrator Roger found in my room. (He doesn't believe me that it's not mine! Or, he didn't- last night I made it very clear when we were talking that never, never, never ever ever, has anything ever been up my ass... well... until this morning, so it doesn't count when I said it last night) And when his dad left we watched more Star Wars and then the power fucking blew.

So we sit there in the dark. And then... He... Sort of kissed me... And it was barely even a kiss, but it was so sweet and I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING GIRL HAS TAKEN OVER MY BRAIN... All I can think about is how gentle he was. Instead of groping and kissing and biting we just touched. Everywhere above the waist. Everywhere, just with our fingers and our palms. I'm kind of sort of ashamed to say I creamed my jeans, but my ears are fucking sensetive and he's got musician's fingers, what do you want? I'm pretty sure he did too, but I'm not about to ask. My moans definitely said enough for how much I was enjoying it.

After we woke up together on the floor this morning I tried to relieve the tension by smearing leftover frosting over his face. He tackled me and tickled me to death on the floor, I still flinch whenever he gives me that mischievous smile now. I can't help it okay? I'm ticklish!

I got the first shower, and I'm still dripping wet now. And hard, thinking over last night. Shit. I'm wearing sweatpants, too, it's gonna be SO obvious- okay Mark, non-sexual thoughts. NON. SEXUAL. No more naked Roger, no more being tied up, no more being dominated- FUCK. Dammit! I have a serious problem if I can't go a day without jerking off to my best friend...

Now, I should probably explain that this particular shower I just took is going to be a memorable one to say the least. I'm horny. And Roger is CLEARLY not going to get me off- I'm not going to ask him, either, and if I did he'd just say no and never talk to me again- but I can dream, right? Jacking off hasn't helped as much lately... I was trying to get off sitting in Roger's shower but it, well, wasn't really enough and I was having the most vivid fantasy of him- oh his- my ass- um...

I can NOT believe I fingered myself in Roger's shower! FUCKING A. It was just... it was weird! I don't really know if I liked it, because I realized about halfway through what I was doing and it hurt for most of the time anyways but I sort of enjoyed it... Shit. I'm glad he at least can't possibly have any idea. I didn't hear the door open, anyways, so he probably didn't come in and see me sitting in his tub with one hand around my cock and the other one pushing a finger up my ass. (Roger's shower doors are clear... and there isn't a curtain...) So, I'm probably safe. Probably. If he doesn't bring it up, and if Roger knows something he's liable to blurt it out, then I'm gonna assume he has no idea whatsoever and I'd like to keep it that way.

OOOH he's getting out of the shower. Gotta hide this!

~ Mark


	20. February 20, 1983

February 20, 1983

I just realized when I was flipping through this thing that almost everything I write is about Roger... I mean, Jesus Christ. (And I'm not even Christian) I need to get a life.

So... Here comes my attempt at writing about something other than Roger. Cindy brought over her boyfriend Josh again and he somehow got even cuter, I think its because his hair is longer. But anyways. I was listening at her door when they were shut in there together and I heard them talking and GUESS WHAT. He's a faggot! I heard him thanking her for being his 'beard' or whatever and she was telling him it was perfectly fine, if she were a lesbian he'd do the same for her, and how she loves him but "not that way don't worry." Cue laughter. Now I'm sort of excited. This guys a senior and he's really cute in a geeky sort of way and maybe I could... I don't know... I'd have to ask Cindy about it first and if I do that I'll have to tell her I was snooping around and eavesdropping.

Stephen dropped by today, and I'm still high out of my MIND if you can't already tell by my handwriting. I smell like pot smoke. Ah well; mom never notices. One time I came back with a joint still in my hand and she didn't even say anything. The past few days, though, she's actually been coming out of her room, and I'm a little worried she's gonna come in and sniff me out.

School is SUCH a bitch. Pot takes my mind off the monotonous homework. Surprisingly, when I want to be I'm a really good student. And I do want to be, cause if I do Dad has promised he'll send me like a hundred and fifty bucks in the mail. (He's not allowed around here anymore- Mom and Cindy filed a restraining order for me) I'm getting almost straight A's. Stephen is a senior, too, and I hope he stays in town after he graduates because I don't know where else I'm going to find a dealer who likes me enough to sell me the good stuff cheap.

Running out of things to talk about so... We're back to sex. Sorry. I'm a teenaged boy. You know how I said fingering hurts? It doesn't so much after the seventh time... Yeah I know. It's so wrong. But I tried it again and it was better. And again. And... you get the idea. I figured out how to sort of curl my fingers and GOD. I wish it was really R- NO. Stop. Fuck! I need to get that stupid idea out of my head! Do you know, the other day I seriously started asking him if he wanted to be friends with benefits before I caught myself?

I need to go finish up my homework and call Roger. He finally got the balls to call me and since then he's been calling every goddamn day, sometimes at like three in the morning to ask me if I like how this or that sounds and then playing a bar of something over the phone on his guitar. Oh well, at least he's not so shy about singing for me now, huh? It makes me smile like a goof every time.

Weekends coming up and I hope we can hang out. I want to see if I can go the whole time without saying something stupid- after the friends-with-benefits comment I ALMOST made, I caught him just staring at me at least three times and I was really disconcerted- or wanting to hump the nearest wall.

~ Mark


	21. February 22 and 23, 1983

February 22, 1983

I can't stop fucking crying, what is WRONG with me? Fuck... There's fucking teardrops all over the page and it's hard to write through them-

What kind of fifteen year old boy cries over their best friend getting laid with a hot cheerleader? Oh, right, a FUCKING FAGGOT. Should just jump off my fucking roof and get it over with. Fuck. Fuck, fuck... I KNEW he didn't want me. Why am I even surprised? I just went to hang out with him where we usually do, by the bleachers, and I brought him a cookie from lunch because I sort of have a sweet tooth and I was hoping he'd split it with me and there he was with the school SLUT, tongue down her throat-

This isn't a bad thing! It shouldn't be a bad thing! Why is it? I've been in my room sobbing for TWO HOURS. When I found them I managed to keep it together but by the time I got home it felt like someone stabbed me in the chest, tore out my heart and threw it on the ground. FUCK.

Cindy seems to know something's wrong (or maybe it's because her bedroom is next to mine and I'm having trouble being quiet about my faggot sobfest) and she came in to check on me awhile back. Sometimes I do love my sister. She sat on the edge of my bed and asked me about it and I sort of.. told her a little about my thing for Roger... She didn't even make any jokes about how she always knew I was gay, she just rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay and she knows he doesn't have any real feelings for the blonde slut he's probably fucking right now.

I don't know why that made me feel better for a minute but it did. Then I remembered that he doesn't want me. Or my gender at all. So... Now I feel like shit again and I can't think of anything I can do to make it stop hurting.

Maureen might know... Okay. As soon as I can stop fucking crying and my eyes aren't so red, I'm heading over to her house. And if she can't help me forget about Roger one way or another (It's not like she hasn't offered the friends with benefits thing to me before...) then maybe I will jump off the roof. Seems better than living my pathetic existence as a gay geeky loser.

~ Mark

February 23, 1983

This is gonna be short, I have to go pick up Maureen before we go to the Life.

To summarize yesterday, I am certain now that I am NOT a faggot. And guess why? Yeah, Maureen.

I went over to her house and as soon as I got there I burst into tears again. I told her EVERYTHING. It felt good, because I haven't been to talk to Collins in awhile, and I've had all of this shit just pent up in me. So I released the dam and... Well, Maureen's primary ways of comforting someone are booze and sex.

She told me she was gonna make me feel better because she was my friend, then handed me a beer and we were off. It didn't take long to get a buzz and when we weren't thinking very clearly she sort of... straddled me and pushed me back on her bed and told me to just relax.

If I were to make a checklist... Oh, hell, here I'll make a list:

- second kiss with a girl (first one was Nanette and... yeah, not worth mentioning)

- first time french kissing a girl

- first time being groped by a girl

- first time moaning a name that wasn't Roger's (I'm aware that's pathetic)

- first time touching a girl's breasts...

- first time seeing Mo topless

- first time being mostly naked with Mo

- first time anyone but Roger touched my dick

- first blowjob I've ever received EVER

That's a fairly impressive list... I have to say. But anyways, after all that was over, she just smiled at me as if she HADN'T gotten her best friend since she was six off. And asked me if we could hang out today at the Life. Speaking of which, I've gotta go.

~ Mark


	22. February 28 and 29, 1983

February 28, 1983

Since I've been "dating" Maureen, Roger has been giving me these hangdog looks all the time like I've betrayed him. Whenever I ask him about it he brushes me off- he's been avoiding me the past couple of days and it's sort of making me feel shitty... I don't know what I did wrong! I mean, he's made it really fucking clear that he doesn't want me. Without even trying. And if he ever found out that I- well, you know, sort of have this crush on him and jerk off to him in the shower...- he'd HATE me.

Not that I seem to have much of a sex drive lately. Roger avoiding me is really preoccupying and I just feel depressed. Maureen is pouting at me, and she keeps asking me when we can have some private time. I don't want to embarrass myself by not being able to get it up or something. Seriously. That's a scary thought...

Cindy says that I'm just rebounding with Mo because I saw Roger with that chick. I have to disagree. It's probably because of seeing him with that chick PLUS the fact that from all the rumors going around, he's some kind of stud. Wonder how many of those sluts he's fucked that I don't even know about...

Oh, fuck, I need to get my mind off of all of this. I need to- God! I need to just go talk to Roger! Tell him I miss him, tell him I don't love Maureen, SOMETHING!

~ Mark

February 29, 1983

Still havent talked to Roger. I need to. I think I'm about to hop on my bike and go to his house in a few minutes, just show up unexpectedly, and demand to know why he's avoiding me.

I know, I know... It's out of character for me. But I hate this! I can't help it. I need Roger around, even if he doesn't want me the way I want him. I can't just let him slip through my fingers. He's going to spill, dammit! I'm not letting him angst forever! WHY he cares that I got a girlfriend, I have no idea. Maybe he just doesn't like Maureen...

I met this new girl today, Joanne. She's apparently some freaky smart kid in my grade, but she's taking accelarated classes for juniors. She seemed really awkward and quiet, which I can relate to... She bumped into me in the hall and dropped her books. She looked all stressed and worried and freaked out, and I figured she was late, so I helped her pick her shit up and pointed her in the right direction. Come to think of it I don't even know if I introduced myself, although Maureen didn't. For some reason I think Mo was staring at her, and when we continued on our way she was giggling and blushing and wouldn't tell me why. She said it was "girl stuff", but I'm practically gay, so shouldn't that give me an honorary vagina or something?

Oh well. I'm gonna go make Roger talk to me now. Wish me luck.

~ Mark


	23. March 3, 1983

March 3, 1983

Owwww hangover... Why! Why did I let Maureen get me drunk AGAIN! Ugh...

Not to mention, Roger ONCE AGAIN probably thinks I'm a fucking slut. God. My hormones are everywhere. And apparently they've decided to lock onto Roger like some kind of heat-seeking missile or something, because even though I have a PERFECTLY WILLING girlfriend constantly trying to get me to fuck her, I still managed to climb into Roger's lap last night and attack him.

Let me back up and explain... Maureen's parents are out of town, and since it's the weekend she decided to have all of us over for a party. I told my parent's I was sleeping over at Roger's and vice versa. It was just me, Roger, Maureen and Joanne whose still being pretty skittish especially around Roger. I think she's afraid of him or something.

I thought it was just going to be like a "lets hang out and watch movies" kind of thing, but I should have known Maureen would have broken into her dad's liquor cabinet. Together we managed to drink a whole case of beer, and proceeded to pull Joanne off to her room all giggly and tipsy. I didn't even try to follow her- further proof that, as I've been trying to tell Roger, I am NOT really having a thing with her- and focused on Roger.

I'm not sure if he's into me or if he's just a passive drunk, but either way, when I started sucking on his neck he moaned and grabbed my hips, grinding against me. The girls weren't around but even if they had been, I was drunk enough that I probably would have done it anyways. So. As I was saying. It was like I flipped a switch though when I went for his zipper because he flipped us over so I was on the ground and he was leaning over me. And eventually we got down to our boxers...

I did NOT lose my virginity last night but it was a close thing. He kept muttering about how much he wanted to do this and I wasn't complaining with his fingers shoved up my ass and I dont even know HOW he did that but GOD... I'm never going to get tired of his hands on me everywhere. My cock, my ass, my chest, everywhere. Nnngh. I managed to remember to get him off too, as soon as I was done, and I gave him another blowjob... I guess he must have liked it because his hands were tugging on my hair and he was moaning my name. I felt less embarrassed about how loud I was after that.

We fell asleep together on the floor after finding a blanket, but when I woke up in the morning with this headache he was gone and Mo was poking me playfully, already fully dressed and eating breakfast with Joanne who looked way more relaxed than I've ever seen her. They didn't know where he went... I feel so shitty. What have I DONE? I probably freaked him the fuck out and now he'll never want to talk to me again...

~ Mark


	24. March 4, 1983

March 4, 1983

Roger wasn't at school today, but I figured he was probably just upset... I went to his house to apologize to him for being such a slut and he was getting in the car with his mom... I asked where he was going and he barely even looked at me, just mumbled "hospital" and got in and they drove off.

I'm seriously freaking out now. What if he's dying or something? What if he's got cancer or- or appendicitis or something! I'm such an asshole! I practically fucked him without even asking if he wanted to, and now he might die and that'll be the last thing I did with him and FUCK FUCK FUCK I can't believe this!

Maureen says I'm overreacting and Cindy just kind of patted my back and asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her to get my mind off of it. I did. We had a good enough time... We're starting to get along a lot better. It's weird. She's my sister, I'm supposed to hate her right?

Joanne is really awkward around me and I can't figure out why. Maureen has sort of been avoiding me too. I'M SO FUCKING ALONE. What is going on?

I hope Roger's okay... Maybe I'll sneak out tonight after my parents are asleep and check on him.

~ Mark


	25. March 11, 1983

March 11, 1983

Okay so... Wow. This is seriously awkward.

Before I get into the Roger stuff, I want to note that Maureen has clearly given up on me. I think she got a new boyfriend or something without telling me because she's always skipping around with that dreamy stare she gets when she's crushing on somebody and it sure as hell isn't me. I don't mind as much as I thought I would. I mean, we were hardly together in the first place... On to Roger.

Apparently Roger's mom has custody of him again. (I know this because I've been hanging around his house for the past week waiting for him to come back... Seriously freaking out the whole time. But good news he's NOT DEAD. Or even sick! But I'm getting there...)

I knew his mom was weird but I guess she's all paranoid about his mental health or something and that's why she took him to the hospital. He was NOT happy. Anyways. I noticed that her car was back in the driveway when I came to sketchily sit behind the house- yes I'm creepy like that, and I know which window is Roger's too- so I sort of maybe climbed in his window at like midnight yesterday and... Yeah.

The embarrassing part is, surprisingly, not my fault. I was worried and I needed to talk to him, I'm not ashamed that I practically stalked him... But I went to wake him up- did you know Roger's mom makes him drink this weird herbal shit before bed? So, um... SO awkward. I didn't really know what to say, I didn't wanna be like, "oh my god you wet the bed?" WHAT IF HE HAD A TERMINAL ILLNESS and that's what caused it? (he doesn't but you get the point!)

So once he was awake he obviously realized he had a... problem... and he looked like he was about to CRY when he realized I knew. I just shrugged and said I wasn't gonna make fun of him and let him clean up and ten minutes later we were sitting down on his floor talking. Stayed that way for a good three hours.

It turns out, he finally got diagnosed correctly and has the right medications to make him seem "normal" now. I was so fucking happy that I blurted out that I'd been waiting for him... Then I had to explain how I came here every night, and how I was flipping out thinking he was dying... I can tell he wanted to laugh at me but, instead he just sort of bear hugged me and said I was like the brother he never had.

Which, by the way, made me feel even more awkward because brothers don't exactly want the other one to put their legs over their head and fuck them so hard they can't walk the next day.

Oh well. I'm literally spazzing out over Roger being back, and not dead, and not sick. So... I'm just gonna go finish spazzing now. Maybe smoking a joint'll calm me down.

~ Mark

March 11, 1983- later that night

Okay, I might have forgotten to mention a key detail... um... After Roger and I had our whole "heart to heart", we were both pretty tired and I didn't feel like going home. Cindy said she'd cover for me anyways. So when Roger asked if I wanted to just stay, I didn't see why I shouldn't say yes.

We slept in his bed. His single bed. So. There wasn't a whole lot of space. I offered to sleep on the floor but he wasn't having it and... Yeah.

I woke up in the morning and he was ALMOST FUCKING NAKED. Right next to me. Cuddling with me. Or maybe I was the one snuggling up with him but... Ohfuck.

Why do I mention this now, and not this morning? Well, because this MORNING I was excited and bubbly and happy. NOW it's night and apparently my hormones have decided to come surging back to me all at once. You know, the ones I've been missing since I practically raped Roger? Yeah.

I'm giving up. I'm just going to go jerk off to my best friend in peace and not worry about it because I'm sick of feeling weird and disgusted with myself for something I can't fucking control!

~ Mark


	26. March 20 and 26, 1983

March 20, 1983

What is it about Roger that makes me want to cry all the time? Maybe it's that he's unavailable. Maybe it's that he's straight, as far as I know. MAYBE it's that I'm starting to think I'm really gay and it's HIS fault in the first place... Or, most likely, it's that he dragged me outside today to eat lunch with him in peace and sat me down to have a talk.

Seriously. Just like that. "Mark? We need to have a talk."

And I officially have no hope with him. I don't really want to get into the details of what he said. If you gather anything, let it be that despite all of the near-sex I've had with him, he has no desire to fuck me and JUST wants to be friends. Definitively. So. Moving on time for me...

Found Stephen today after that horrifying discussion with Roger- after I left awkwardly, trying not to let it show that it bothered me, even though it looked like he sort of still wanted to talk- and got a teensy bit high. Nothing major, just enough to take the edge off. Hung out with Cindy and talked to her about it and she was pretty cool. We went and got a few of my pictures developed and I'm sad to say they were all of Roger. I shoved them in my bag... Moving on is gonna suck balls.

Except! I did ask Cindy about her not-so-straight boyfriend Josh! And she said he thinks I'm cute... I'm gonna have to stalk him down in the senior hallway in school tomorrow.

~ Mark

March 26, 1983

Holy shit, it hasn't even been a whole week and I have so much to update on!

Okay, so first- I've been avoiding Roger like the plague. I can't help it. He basically just gave me a breakup speech and we weren't even REMOTELY dating. So, like I said. Avoiding him. I've been hiding out in the auditorium for lunch and free period because I know he won't look there.

Second, Maureen has dumped me officially now. Not that I'm all that distraught. I liked her breakup speech better than Roger's, in any case. It was more to the point and I never really liked her that way anyways. I don't know what's up with her, because she's been acting really weird lately, but... Oh well. She and Joanne seem to be getting along, and I guess I'm glad that Joanne found a good friend.

Finally! The biggest news of all! I, Mark Cohen, freshman, pothead and self-confessed geek, have a boyfriend!

It should be weirder than it is to date my sister's "ex" but, honestly, it's not. And it gives me the perfect cover to have him over my house. Josh is fucking adorable in a nerdy kind of way. Cindy says he's a lot like me that way but I don't see what's so cute about a scrawny, albino-looking pale kid with glasses. I DO see what's cute about the green-eyed blondie I'm dating though...

Sorry, that sounded really girly and lovesick. WHAT is wrong with me? But anyways! We've been hanging out a lot in and after school, behind the bleachers or in the auditorium in the orchestra pit... Josh is on the phone and I have to go talk to him! Bye!

~ Mark


	27. April 2, 11 and 15, 1983

April 2, 1983

I waited until today to try talking to Roger again. I wanted to yesterday, but then I realized it was April Fools and I didn't want him to think I was kidding around with what I have to say.

Josh is preparing for finals and he's really serious about it. I guess he wants to get into an Ivy League school- I tried joking with him about it but he actually got mad at me and made me leave so he could study. I guess I understand. I'll leave him alone for awhile. I know our relationship probably isn't going anywhere, and once he graduates I'll be back to pining over my best friend... Or, I guess I don't know what Roger and I are...

Anyways, I talked to Roger today. He was really awkward and snappish and asked me about my boyfriend- I had NO idea he'd seen us and didn't know what to say... I look like a jerk. But I did apologize for ditching him and I explained about how I thought that a little separation was what he wanted. We talked for awhile and then he told me he had to go to track practice- track! He joined a TEAM! Roger! Yeah, I know- antisocial, moody, dysfunctional Roger joining a sports team? What the hell.

Still, I threw caution into the wind and hugged him as hard as I could before he left. I told him he should come over to my house tomorrow after school, since it'll be Friday and I'm pretty sure the track team has the day off. I ran off before he could answer- I don't want to know until tomorrow. If he shows, he shows.

~ Mark

April 15, 1983

I never intended for Roger to know about my chocolate obsession, but I didn't count on us making cupcakes when he slept over... Oh well, it's not a big deal. So I have a sweet tooth...

He seems REALLY annoyed by my relationship with Josh. I introduced them today. It wasn't my best idea... Should have known. Roger kept glaring at Josh and Josh kept glaring back and I'm pretty sure that when I went to the bathroom they were arguing about something. But as soon as I came back they sort of jumped back and Roger was rubbing his wrist for the rest of the day- if Josh hurt him I'm going to have to kick his ass. I don't care if he's my boyfriend or that he's bigger than me, NO ONE hurts Roger.

Actually, I kind of feel bad because lately I haven't been able to concentrate on Josh much at all- Roger got a GIRLFRIEND. He says she's not but they're always hanging out and she says hi to him in the hall and gives him this cutesy little smile. I think I might be jealous but I don't know, I've never really felt this kind of thing before... It's shitty.

I got my midterm scores back and I actually did well! Showed mom and she smiled and congratulated me. I think she's starting to get better. There's some color to her, anyways, and she makes me breakfast in the morning. Its encouraging... Cindy and I have been talking about it and we're hopeful.

The most mortifying thing happened today. Roger was going through my bag- I've learned that he's a snooper since, you know, the vibrator thing- and not only did he find this journal (which I was quick to snatch away from him) but he found my huge collection of pictures of him in my secret pocket... SHIT. He didn't seem very weirded out by it but now I feel like a stalker...

~ Mark

April 11, 1983

Okay. I'm sick of this.

Roger's been spending all of his time running track or with that stupid Ray girl and I AM JEALOUS. I haven't heard him play guitar or had a sleepover with him or- or anything, in forever! I miss him!

I broke up with Josh. I don't care if that's backwards. I talked to Roger, and he- Well, maybe I'm imagining things, but he doesn't like him anyways and my friendship (and crush... shut up) on him is more important than daily handjobs and weekly blowjobs from a senior who I won't know in a year anyways.

I guess I'm upset. I liked him. He was nice to me. But he said he understood and we had a really, really hot last kiss behind the bleachers... Except when I looked up Roger was there and he sort of- ran away...

Now I've been looking for him all day and I can't find him anywhere! GAH! The look on his face was PAINFUL to think about.

I hope I haven't hurt his feelings or something. Although, I don't know why his feelings would be hurt if I broke up with a boy for him. Maybe he's just disturbed because I'm a fag. I don't know, I have to-

Oh my God THERE HE IS. I gotta go! I need to apologize! Explain! Something!

~ Mark


	28. April 20, 21 and 30, 1983

April 20, 1983

My sex drive. UGH. I swear, if it was a person, I'd end up murdering it. I've gotten off so many times in the past month that I think my dick is going to fall off.

... Anyways, now that that's out of my system. Is it a rebound if I have a crush on Roger? Because I know it wasn't so long ago that I got out of my last relationship, and I mean, I think I liked him the whole time but- Nevermind, I don't even want to talk about it.

He said something the other day about my "nightmares", back when he slept over a few weeks ago. So... I guess he really doesn't know about the whole wet dream thing... Thank GOD. I asked him if I said anything, since I've been known to talk in my sleep (Cindy teases me all the time) but he said no. Thank God a second time.

Maureen hasn't talked to me in a long time and I'm kind of hurt. And I don't think she's talking to Joanne either, because I keep seeing her and her thousands of textbooks stacked around her at lunch all alone. If I weren't sitting with Roger outside, I would go sit with her. I feel bad. I don't really think she has any friends. Then again, I don't really either...

The other day, I was out of cash- I got fired. FIRED. I'm so glad my mom isn't feeling well enough yet to actually pay attention, because my grades aren't the best either, and now I don't even have a job. But I was feeling kind of run down with schoolwork and Roger had been ignoring me all day for no reason and I just wanted to smoke up with Stephen. Obviously I couldn't pay. He and I are cool, but there's an understanding- I have to pay. I get it. He can't just be giving that shit away...

He gave me an alternative, though, because I think he could see that I was stressed as fuck. He told me one of the other guys who bought from him might pay it off for me if I did him a favor... Okay. So I feel kind of like a whore, but it was just a blowjob and I've given them before! ... once! I guess I'm good at it sober too because he TIPPED me. I don't even know this guy. He looked older, maybe college-age, and I doubt I'll ever see him again so I'm not too worried. What's the big deal? I just needed some quick money.

Roger is obviously talking to me again, although he won't tell me why he wasn't that day, and now I'm just a little worried that he'll find out somehow. I've never been very good at lying. And it kills me, because I'm NOT lying! I'm just... omitting. But I feel like I'm lying to him and I don't know how he'll react if he finds out I whored myself out for twenty bucks! Grrr... Well, let's hope he doesn't get it out of me.

~ Mark

April 21, 1983

There was a drug bust at school yesterday, and it wasn't even on me or Stephen or the other potheads that like to hang around with us... It was on ROGER. They searched his locker and I guess they must have found SOMETHING because they dragged him out swearing and screaming and looking ready to cry, and I don't know where they took him...

I didn't believe it at first! But some kids were there and they said that he went fucking BATSHIT. And I can believe it. Roger can be so wired sometimes- what if he is on drugs? Why didn't he tell me?

I tried his house but his mom answered the door all tight-lipped and crying and said he'd "gone away" and I nearly had a heart attack before I realized there was no way he was dead. No way. If Roger died, then I wouldn't have a best friend anymore and I'd probably be able to sense it or some bullshit...

Finals are coming up but I don't care anymore. I locked myself in my room a couple hours ago, and Cindy keeps trying to get me to come out but I'm not going to. I have a twelve pack of bottled water, three bags of potato chips and a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and that's all I need. I can piss out the window. Whatthefuckever. I'm not leaving until Roger is back. I can't DEAL with school and- and any of that-

Ugh. I wish he would have told me if he was some junkie. I wouldn't even have cared that much! I could have helped him quit! Or... Or joined him! I don't know... Something. Anything.

Cindy says I'm going to give mom another psychological breakdown if I keep this up but I can't bring myself to care, which I'm aware makes me a horrible person. I'm so fucking high right now that I don't care about much of anything- but I just reached up and- yep. Crying. Fuck. And now Maureen is trying to knock my door in... Since when does she care? She hasn't even been around.

They threatened to bring my dad here and have him talk to me. I think that's their best bet because if I'm going to fly out of my room like a bat out of hell, it'll be to get away from him.

On the upside, Roger never did find out about the whoring myself out for pot money. So I guess wherever he is, he still thinks I have morals, which makes me feel a little bit better.

~Mark

April 30, 1983

Roger still isn't back...

I've been going to his house every day but his mom won't even talk to me most days. Today I guess I made some kind of progress... She turned around when I said good night when she came home late from the hospital and found me on the steps waiting and she said, "He asks for you." So I know he's thinking about me, at least...

Cindy has to drag me out of my room when she wants me to do something. I keep locking myself in. My grades went to shit. I'm too worried to do any homework or concentrate at all! And all of the scripts I was writing went down the hole too... I gave up and ripped what I had out of one of the notebooks and started over. I'm writing a story about how I go and rescue Roger from the hospital and he gets better. And there's some porn, too... I write pretty good porn... Anyways. It's stupid and cliche and he'd be creeped out. But I miss him. And it's all I have to do anymore.

Maureen tried the whole "being there for me" thing today and I bit her head off, so I don't think she'll be trying that again. Other people can fuck off. I want Roger back!

The only person I really talk to lately is Stephen. He's been taking pity on me and giving me shit on discount. It's way easier not to think about Roger when I'm high as a fucking kite. But I do still have to pay... A combination of lunch money and the stuff I can score off of the random college guys who Stephen deals to for a quick handjob. I haven't gotten on my knees since the first time. I don't know if I can. Roger would be absolutely disgusted and the guilt would kill me...

~Mark


End file.
